LETTERS FROM LOVE — With Special Guest Elena Brower!

Service, without servitude

Dearest Lovelets!

I have heard it said (and I have repeated it many times): You can always tell people who live for others by the anguished expressions on the faces of the others.

You get it, right?

We all get it, right?

Being of service to others is perhaps the highest calling of a human life, but isn't it also true that sometimes those who give the most of themselves seem to be the most exhausted — and even the most exhaustING — people amongst us? And I certainly know that in my own case, some of the folks I have tried hardest to help are the ones who became the most angry at me — tired of my constant meddling and my endless efforts to force upon them my own vision for their best life.

How, then, to be of service in a way that truly honors the spirit of Love, rather than allowing our undeniably honorable urge for generosity deplete us, or make us into angry and embittered control freaks, or cause us to collapse on our faces in utter frustration and despair?

Well, that’s what we are here today to talk about.

The subject today is: service.

How to serve?

Who to serve?

When to serve?

How much of ourselves to give, and how much to hold in reserve?

How do we help each other out, without falling into the dreaded and deadly victim-savior-persecutor triangle?

I certainly don’t know.

But I know who DOES know: Love itself. And I believe that all we have to do is ask the spirit of Unconditional Love how, exactly, to show up in service — and the answer will come.

Our guest this week is the luminous yoga and meditation teacher, author, artist, mother, and student of silence

Elena Brower

, whose Substack —

Softening Time with Elena Brower

— is “dedicated to practice, study and small transformations . . . to how we listen, respond, grow and soften.” As Elena enters her middle fifties, she is exploring the ideas of transitioning into a life of service. I am exploring the same ideas, but carefully, and asking for Love’s guidance every step of the way.

I like what a wise old friend of mine said once: “I used to be interested in leadership, but now I have graduated to service.”

Let’s see what Love has to say to you about this potentially tricky subject, my dears. Can’t wait to hear all about it.

Love,

Your Lizzy

Dear Love, what would you have me know today about service?

Oh darling, how excited we are to answer this question! Ready? Here it comes!

My love, your time of service is JUST BEGINNING — and that is because your time of servitude is, at last, ending.

You weren't expecting that, were you? Yet it is so, and it is true, and now is the time for you to know and understand this.

Your servitude was always in the way of your capacity to serve. Your servitude to your addictions, your servitude to people-pleasing, your servitude to trying to control the way others perceive you, your servitude to fear, your servitude to shame, your servitude to your ego and its giant, groping, hungry claw . . .

You’re not in trouble! We love you and we love your giant, groping, hungry claw — it’s all part of the human experience!

But sweetheart, you have not been free. And only someone who is free, or even semi-free, can truly serve.

When you first came into the rooms of 12-step recovery five years ago and you kept hearing people talk about service, service, service, it made you hot and angry and resentful. “Fuck that,” said your exhausted spirit, “all I ever DO is serve. All I ever do is give! I’m depleted! I’m empty! Everybody took everything from me and left! Who the fuck will serve ME?”

Darling, everybody did not take everything from you and leave; you gave yourself away, and you actively depleted and chased away and in some ways degraded those to whom you were being allegedly “generous.”

Again, sweetie, you aren’t in trouble! You are never in trouble! You are an ambitious student here in Earth School, and we love to watch you learn! And you were indeed exhausted from over-giving. But giving yourself away in order to be loved, to feel safe, to gain approval, or to be important is not the same thing as service.

Service, our little azalea bud, is when you share with others from a place of surplus of whatever treasures you have accumulated in abundance. And somebody who is trapped in the servitude of constantly over-giving from a place of famished need can never know abundance, no matter how much money, prestige, or property she might accumulate or disseminate.

Settle, petal — you are not in trouble. But keep listening, because here comes the good part.

Every time you say no to something that does not feel right in your body, you accumulate serenity — and with that serenity, you accumulate the capacity to be of service when the moment is right.

Every time you walk away from a toxic relationship, no matter what role or position that person may have held in your life, you accumulate peace — and from that peace comes the capacity to serve from an unburdened heart.

Every time you learn how to sit quietly and listen to us, settling, softening your nervous system patiently, instead of reaching for a person, substance, or behavior in order to feel better, you accumulate patience and wisdom — and with that patience and wisdom comes the ability to serve the world.

Remember your first Al-Anon sponsor who said at the age of 65, in a tone of delight, “I used to work as a bus driver for the city of New York, but now I work for God” — and for the first time you began to see what service could look like? The joy of it? The ability to say, “I have all I need; now how can I be of assistance?”

And the word, my love, is “assistance,” not “rescue.” You are an assistant, you are not a savior.

We were so proud of you the first time we saw you take a service position in one of your 12-step meetings — raising your hand and volunteering to be the time-keeper. It was months before you were capable of doing even that one small act. But you were being restored to sanity, and slowly, slowly, you accumulated a tiny abundance. Like: “Just for this moment, I am not in fear, resentment, shame, desire, or obsession — I can certainly keep time during this meeting, for the next hour.”

We were so proud of you later when you took on your first sponsee. And your second, third, fourth, and fifth. We were proud of you when some of those sponsees made the decision to stop working with you, to go their own way because they wanted something else, and you were gentle about it. As you heard someone say in a meeting, “That’s okay; they just don’t want my magic.”

That’s right, dear love. You do have some extra magic to share, and not everyone will want it. They don’t have to want it. We will keep directing you to where you can go and be wanted. We can keep teaching you how to serve without trying to take control. And how to serve from a place of love, not guilt. How to serve where it feels right in your body to serve. How to serve gladly, without giving away so much of yourself that the people to whom you have over-given will have, as your guru in India taught you, no choice but to hate you for it.

Settle and listen. Settle and listen. When we need you, you’ll be notified. You’re beginning to trust that. You’re beginning to do that.

And when we need you to back off, or leave it to others, or leave it to us, you’ll also be notified.

Be simple, child. Soften. Be an assistant. It’s more fun than being in charge — and more helpful.

We love you. You’re doing great. And we are just getting started here.

Prompt

Will you join me this week in asking for guidance around the question of service (especially as it differs from servitude)? All you have to do is grab your notebook and pen, or your laptop, and ask this question: Dear Love, what would you have me know today about the true nature of service?