LETTERS FROM LOVE — With Special Guest Clover Stroud!

On loneliness versus aloneness

Dearest Lovelets,

I come from a culture that is terrified of solitude and silence. We are surrounded by machines of distraction — televisions that never go off, phones that are never out of our hands, links and apps and games and podcasts and products that promise to keep us “connected” above all things.

But I think all that noise and commerce and clutter is a product of our deep terror of loneliness — which we might falsely conflate with being alone or quiet. We are constantly being taught that humans are “social animals” and that we need an enormous amount of contact with other humans in order to thrive. We are taught that solitude is unhealthy, and that isolation might kill us.

I find that it’s always a good idea to test widely shared cultural beliefs and assumptions against your own empirical experience, just to find out if those beliefs and assumptions are TRUE FOR YOU. I was taught, for instance, that there is nothing sadder and more tragic than being a single, divorced, widowed, or childless woman — yet it appears that I am all four of those things, and I am thriving. I have been taught that to live alone is a sign of great unhappiness and even failure, yet I live alone these days and I have never felt more deeply connected to myself, to my friends, to my work, and to the world than I do now.

I was taught to fear silence, too, but it is in silence that I best hear the voice of Unconditional Love.

Perhaps it is true, I often ponder, that we are not only social beings, but also spiritual beings and creative beings — and that spirituality and creativity often bloom in stillness and solitude, far from the bustle and chaos of what we call “the world.” Indeed, for that deeper level of spiritual and creative connection, I actually NEED to be alone. Which, again, is not the same thing as lonely.

This week, sweet friends, my special guest is the luminous British author

Clover Stroud

and she is the one, in her letter from Love, who has introduced the topic of loneliness. Clover is one of the most courageous women I have ever met — so of course it is she who is brave enough to raise the subject of loneliness, which for so many of us is so utterly terrifying.

Let us ask Love this week, my dears, what it has to say about loneliness.

Walk straight toward your fears with Love at your side, my friends, and let’s see what we discover there, in our great and shared silence.

Love, your Lizzy

Dear Love, what would you have me know today about loneliness?

Sweet child, my answer will be different for each person who asks this question, because each of you are so wondrously, differently formed. But for you, my little tendril of ivy growing toward the light, my answer is simple:

Loneliness is nothing more than separation from yourself.

It has nothing to do with anyone else.

You know this to be true, pooh bear, because amongst the loneliest times of your life were moments when another person was six inches away from you in a bed, and yet you felt at that time like the only survivor of a nuclear war. At the time, you thought this was because the person in question had become so disconnected from you, and you deeply longed for them to merge with you once more, like maybe they used to do — but, in fact, it was you who were disconnected from you. It was you, in those situations, who had abandoned yourself. It was you who were accepting a starvation diet of fake intimacy, who had settled for “warm body syndrome” — just wanting to have a warm body, any warm body, near you — because you did not know that you are worth so much more, and that it is far better to be richly alive in solitude than to wither in the wrong company.

You are good and innocent, my beloved. And it is such a good and innocent guess to believe that being in partnership or company with other humans is the cure for loneliness, but you have found from your own lived experience that this is not necessarily true. For you have also felt loneliness at certain family gatherings, in certain work settings, seated at tables with certain people, and in the hollowness of false cheer.

It’s not that there was anything intrinsically wrong with any of these settings or people, but in each case, my little dove, once again it was you who had abandoned yourself. Your fear of being left out, your fear of being alone, your fear of not being approved of or loved, your fear of not seeming normal, had pushed you into circumstances and settings and relationships where you simply do not belong, to merge with people who are not your true heart’s companions.

Who is your truest heart’s companion?  

Well, my love, the heart knows who it belongs to. And your heart, angel, belongs to you. We gave it to you, so that you could steward it gently and safely through this experience of Earth School. We gave you a beautiful heart to tend to, because we believed you could take beautiful care of it. We gave you THIS heart, this one, because it was made for you. It fits you perfectly. It knows you intimately. It loves you right back.

You are your own soul mate, Lizzy. You are your best company. Call off the search, look no further than your own being. You are your own playmate, your own best friend, your own spiritual fellow, your own family, your own traveling companion. Nothing will ever make you more happy and full than knowing this — that all the love you need beats right within your chest, on a moment to moment basis. And nothing will make you feel lonelier than forgetting this truth.

My darling, you and I have been so close lately. This is why you are so happy now to wake up in a bed with nobody beside you but me, within you. This is why you are so contented to travel alone, to live alone, to explore your creativity alone. This why you delight in your friends so dearly and why you love their familiar ways and their company, but why you are always grateful to come home to your own silence. Others can come and go, live or die, care for you or discard you, and we will always be alright, as long as this bond is not severed.

I implore you, gentle spirit, never to betray yourself again for cheap partnership, and never to sell yourself out for the empty calories of mere “company.” You can love others as much as you want, as long as it’s sincere, but always come back home at the end of the day to me. Always come back home at the end of the day to your heart, which is the seat of my presence and the answer to your every beautiful need.

I love you, and I am right here.

Love, LOVE

Me and Rayya and my original teddy bear: Stinky Brownie McBear

Me and my mom and my giant panda, Pando, who lived with me for many happy years

Prompt

When you are alone and still and ready to get into the right headspace to invite Love to write to you, ask this question: What would you have me know about being alone — and about loneliness?

PS Meetups in Europe!

Maybe not the best segue — or maybe it is? I’ve just arrived in London for a month of events across Europe, and I’d love nothing more than if you continued to meet one another in real life, out in the wild (assuming you consider concert halls “the wild”)!

There are already plans for London meetups on April 9th and 13th, timed around my events. And this morning, we’ve started a separate chat for each city on my tour, so if you’re going to be in or near any of the following places on the following dates, feel free to check the chat and join — or initiate — a gathering!

Southampton — April 16

Berlin — April 18

Stockholm — April 20

Cologne — April 22

Manchester — April 24

Copenhagen — April 27

Amsterdam — April 29