LETTERS FROM LOVE — With Special Guest Dr. Brittney Cooper!
Doted upon and adored
Dear Lovelets,
My little dog Pepita has a sort of carrier that looks like a bassinet, which stays in my car, anchored by a seatbelt. The bassinet has a sheepskin in it of course, because I’m not a monster, and my baby needs to be comfortable when I drive her to our local park for her runs in the grass. But in the winter months, the sheepskin gets cold (everything in the car gets cold) and so it might be the case that every morning I heat up some water, pour it into a hot water bottle, and put the hot water bottle into her bassinet before I put her into it, so it will be warm and cozy for her on the way to the park.
Every time I do this, I think about a moment in Hilary Mantel’s novel WOLF HALL, in which the tough, calculating, and deeply feared Thomas Cromwell warms up the jacket of his young son by the fire before the boy goes out in the cold. Cromwell’s wife catches him doing it and teases him, suggesting that he’s spoiling the boy. But Cromwell grew up in severe deprivation, violence, and neglect, and it’s healing for him to know that he has grown into a man who can give a child comfort. And he dotes upon the boy, so why wouldn’t he be so tender, so loving?
I do not come from a long line of people who were warming up their dog’s bassinets, to put it mildly! I grew up in a home without heat (not in my bedroom, anyway; there was a wood stove downstairs in the common area) and I was taught to be tough, strong, and uncomplaining. I am grateful that I know how to be tough when toughness is what’s called for.
But toughness, honestly, is not my true nature. And in adulthood, I have learned the value of gentleness and tenderness. Why would I not be so tender with my little dog, who has become the warm heart at the center of my whole life? If I could make her experience more comfortable, why wouldn’t I — especially when I dote upon her so much!
But here is the next level question: if Pepita deserves a hot water bottle (AND SHE DOES), then why wouldn’t I? Why should I go to bed with cold feet when I could take a little extra time to heat up a water bottle for myself, and tuck it into the sheets before bedtime? Am I not also a mammal, in need of tenderness? In Al-Anon, we teach that we should “go where it’s warm.” Am I not also deserving of a little extra warmth, just as an expression of love and care? Are you not also deserving?
What would it look like to dote upon yourself a little more? This is the question we are exploring today, thanks to inspiration from the beautiful letter below by this week’s special guest, the great Dr. Brittney Cooper. She was instructed by her Spirit of Unconditional Love (what we call SOUL around here) to dote upon herself a little more. Maybe a lot more. Maybe more important than anything.
Why not, friends? Why not try a little tenderness?
Love,
Lizzy
Dear Love, what would you have me know about learning how to dote upon myself?
Dearest little radish, we would like to see way more of it, so thanks for asking!
Do you remember when your first sponsor gave you a compliment once and you brushed it away immediately, deflected it, dodged it, as if her kind words were a bullet and you were Neo in The Matrix? You can’t even remember now what the compliment was, but you do remember her putting her hand on your arm gently as she pointed out what you had just done — the way you had ducked her kindness as if it could hurt you. And you certainly remember what she said: “Try this, Lizzy. When someone gives you a compliment, rub it in like lotion.”
How uncomfortable that made you! How deeply you felt “that can’t be right, can it?”
Can we ask you a question, tender heart?
Simply put: why not?
Why can’t it be right, to rub kindness into your own skin, like lotion?
Can we ask you what is so frightening about the idea of simply receiving praise, kindness, or love? Or allowing good things to be said about you, and allowing them to be true? Or, heaven forbid, even saying good and kind things to yourself, about yourself?
What do you think will happen to your spirit if you let goodness in?
We heard the word that instantly arose in your consciousness at that question: spoiled.
Such an interesting word! We see you. We see that you are afraid you will become spoiled if you take goodness in. Isn’t that a word that is directed at children? Wasn’t that word a terrible threat when you were a child? Didn’t you learn that there is nothing worse than a spoiled child? Dank and ruined, like meat or milk gone bad.
Is that what you think will happen if you let goodness in? Do you think that good things, kind words, loving encouragement, and tender affection will rot you and ruin and spoil you?
Oh you sweet little tiny baby puppy, I am so sorry you think this. And if you DO think this, no wonder you dodge praise and affection and compliments. No wonder you have trouble imagining that you could be somebody worth doting upon.
Honey, can we tell you something that is really important for you to understand?
It is not loving kindness that spoils people; it’s the opposite. Cruelty and the withholding of tenderness is the ruination machine of the fragile, beautiful human spirit. It is loving kindness that heals people. It is sympathy, forgiveness and gentleness, and grace that makes people well and peaceful, and yes, good.
You can’t scare or bully someone into becoming a person of calm, centered, gracious, contented integrity, but you can love them into it. We can love you into it. We can love you into peace. Love actually is the only doorway into peace.
Let us dote upon you, you sweet little bowtie of a soul. Unleash us, please. Let us teach you to trust us. Unleash the spirit of unconditional love upon yourself. Take your feet from the fire. Unclamp your jaw, your hands, your breathing. Come in from the cold. Remove the restrictions, the conditions, the hard law of “If you do everything right, you might be safe.” When have we ever told you that we need you to do everything right? How can you do everything right when you don’t even know what’s going on here? And when have we ever told you that we need you to understand things in order to be safe?
Child, you are having a memory now from when you were very small, and it sparks tears in your eyes just to recall it. It was your birthday, an early birthday. You were given the opportunity to make a wish. What did you wish for? You said, in your head: “I wish I always knew what to do.”
Goodness, that’s a heavy wish for a child of, what, seven or eight years? Why did you wish that you always knew what to do, little one? Because your tiny brain had deduced that if you always knew what to do, then you would always do everything right, and if you always did everything right, you could stay safe, and never get in trouble, and you would earn favor.
Please give that heavy weight to us, and do not pick it up again. Instead, pick up that little girl, and put her in the lap of your heart, and dote upon her. Ask her what she would like to eat. What would she like to wear? What kind of crayons and magic markers would she like to play with? Who are the friends who make her feel relaxed and joyful — and can we spend more time with them? Who hurts, attacks, and frightens her — and can we make absolutely sure she never has to be in a room with any of them again? Can you give her soft bedding, plenty of sunshine, time to read books and play? Can you let her know that she can eat everything that’s in the refrigerator?
Do you think this will spoil her? Do you think this will spoil you? If you think that, you do not understand the magnificence of our power, the power of love and what we can do — what we can turn you into — if you will just let us in.
Open the door to us, sweetheart. We are dying to love you. We are right here, waiting to dote upon you so tenderly, from now until the nuclear death of the sun. And beyond.
Prompt
Some dictionaries define “doting” as the demonstration of excessive love upon someone, but over here at Letters From Love LLC, we take issue with the adjective “excessive.” We don’t think you can dote upon yourselves excessively enough, actually! And we wonder what it would mean for you to approach yourself with the same exquisite tenderness that you might show to any person or creature whom you love with all your heart. If you would like, this week you can use this prompt: Dear Love, what would you have me know about learning how to dote upon myself?
And if that prompt doesn’t do it for you, you can always go back to our original and simpler prompt — the one that started it all: Dear Love: What would you have me know today?
Next year, I will be taking my first sabbatical (which does not and would never include a break from Letters From Love!) but I will therefore be doing a lot fewer events in 2026. I wanted to let you know about these three that are happening right before and right after that break — and as we get closer we can open up chats for possible Lovelet meetups!
March 2 an evening at The Barbican in London
March 14-15 weekend creativity workshop in Amsterdam
September 25-27 weekend creativity workshop at Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY