Dear Lovelets —
Today is Mother’s Day in the United States — a holiday that is many things to many people. For some, it is sweet and celebratory. For others, it is haunting and triggering (for any number of reasons). For still others, it is a day to be dismissed as nothing more than an artificial capitalist money-grab. For still others, Mother’s Day means one thing and one thing only: BRUNCH.
But back in 1872, when Boston suffragette and poet Julia Ward Howe dreamed up the holiday, she envisioned it as an expression of pure activism. She created the first Mother’s Day as an angry and heartbroken cry for peace and global transformation in the bloody wake of the Franco-Prussian war, where so many mothers’ sons had died — and for what?
She wrote, “Why do not the mothers of mankind interfere in these matters to prevent the waste of that human life of which they alone bear and know the cost?”
There is indeed so much pain and suffering that mothers alone bear. To be a mother is to carry the world upon your shoulders. And mothers have always been the first to cry for peace when the world becomes violent and insane.
Yet the story is more complicated than that — for it is also true that many people have been greatly and unspeakably harmed by their mothers. (I was chilled recently to read in a government report that, statistically speaking, the person most likely to abuse a child is not a stranger, not a teacher, not a father, stepfather, or any male authority figure — but a mother. Mothers by far exceed men in terms of how much physical abuse they dole out to children, which is a horrific truth to behold.)
And I know many women who find motherhood to be a devastating and almost impossible job. Just as I know many women who wish with all their hearts that the title of “mother” could be theirs — but it never came to pass, despite all efforts. And I know women who have lost their children, or who are estranged from their children.
What are we to make of this holiday, then? How do we address it, with all its ambiguities and shadows and difficult nuances?
Well, over here at Letters From Love headquarters, we address Mother’s Day the same way we do everything that is difficult and nuanced: we go to Unconditional Love, and we ask, What would you have us know about this subject?
And so that is our topic this week, dear hearts. What would Unconditional Love have YOU know about the subject of mothers?
Be brave and open-hearted as you ask this question, friends. Be gentle and curious. And try to be as searching and honest as our special guest, Kara Kavensky — who knows all too well both the beauty and the pain of motherhood, and who has graced us this week with a letter that, I am sure, will be a balm to many who have loved and lost and learned on the complicated battlefield of motherhood.
We love you all. We love you so dearly.
Love,
LG
Dear Love, what would you have me know about mothers?
Darling bean. Your poor, spinning brain would like to think that this is a complicated question for you, and will be a complicated question for everyone. Emotionally loaded and psychologically complex, potentially upsetting for any number of reasons, just basically deeply, intensely upstirring. (Do you like that word, “upstirring”? We just made it up. As in: “that which stirs things up.”)
And you, too, little bean, could very well get all stirred up about this topic of mothers — but sit still and be quiet with us for a moment, for we would rather settle you down than stir you up.
So here is our very simple answer for you, and we will keep it clear and clean, to make sure you really understand. And please remember: this is our guidance to YOU. Others will hear different messages because they are having different experiences in Earth School. But you, our Lizzy, have asked us directly for guidance, and now we will offer it, tailored for your Lizzy mind.
We believe that you will do best in life, precious child, and that you will be your happiest and most compassionate, if you do not think of your mother as your mother, but rather as a fellow human being having her own soul’s journey here in Earth School.
In other words, we would like you to think of her as someone who is exactly the same as you. Someone who is on an adventure of the spirit. Someone who came to this planet armed with certain talents and lacking in others. Someone who came here to face certain challenges in order to evolve. Someone who was dropped as a newborn infant into a family that was already in the midst of a quite dramatic performance of karma: a dramatic performance that had started long before — many generations before — she was born. Someone who needed to quickly learn how to learn her lines and join the play. Someone who needed to learn how to survive and adapt, dodging risk at every turn. Someone who was often overwhelmed by not knowing what to do. Someone who worked her ass off to survive the game of life without ever knowing exactly what was going on in this game, or what the rules of the game are, or why the game even exists.
Someone, in other words, exactly like you, Lizzy. And exactly like other human beings.
We suggest that you don’t think of your mother as a mother, not because she didn’t work hard to birth you and raise you — for she did work very hard, and for that she deserves all merit — but because we have noticed that when people start perceiving other people as their “mothers,” they suddenly have a lot of feelings, judgments, issues, opinions, pains, and complaints about that person.
“Mother” is not so much a title as an impossible aspiration — a lofty pedestal which nobody can ever seem to get right, and which often leads to the person on the pedestal being toppled in disgrace for having failed in this way or in that way. The moment someone becomes a mother, the expectations for her perfection become impossibly high, and the possibilities for her condemnation also become high. The whole world watches. The whole world judges. Sometimes the whole world delivers up shame.
You have never experienced this judgment in your own skin, for you decided not to become a mother in this lifetime — and be grateful for that, darling, for you are very lucky not to have been forced to do a job you never wanted to do. Many women were not as fortunate as to have been given that choice, and their road has been harder than yours.
So be grateful that you don’t have to be a mother, but also be humble. Be humble about the impossibility of the word “mother” and how severely judged they can be, those who wear that title. And how profoundly weird it is that one soul on the journey of Earth School is given so much responsibility for provisioning another soul on a journey — when in fact, they are just two souls on a journey.
People want mothers to be everything, sweet bean. You have wanted your mother to be everything. You have felt sad and angry at times when you couldn’t feel that your mother was everything. But she is not a god, dear heart. She is not a myth, not an icon. She is just your fellow traveler, on her own soul’s journey.
Be a good friend to the mothers of the world, Lizzy — wherever you can. These women are your traveling companions on the journey of life, whether they are older or younger than you. Be neutral, be kind, be curious. Help them and serve them wherever you can. And please don’t put it upon yourself to decide whether any of the mothers of the world — your own included — are doing a good job or a bad job.
Just walk with them, shoulder to shoulder, eye to eye, heart to heart.
All of you, equally innocent in your own soul’s dilemmas.
That’s all we want to say to you today.
That, and, of course, we love you — and we always have. I mean: We didn’t send you down to Earth School without enough love to keep you safe through your adventure, after all. Come to us again and again, whenever you need anything. We, the spirit of unconditional love, are your source for any and all needs you could ever have. Turn to us. Not to another human being on their own journey, dear heart. To us. Again and again. To Love itself. We are yours. We have all you have ever needed, right here, right now. We do. We do it. We do it.
Prompt
If you want to sit out this question, we totally understand — and remember that you can also return to the original prompt that never fails: Dear Love, what would you have me know today? This simple question will always open up the gates of Unconditional Love to you, and you will get whatever answers you need about anything you are facing in life.
But if you would like to explore this week’s theme with us, you can ask Unconditional Love this question: Dear Love, what would you have me know today about mothers?
Good luck, angels!
I am excited to announce two upcoming appearances, in Boise, Idaho and Fiji — and this is extra special because I may be the very first person in history to write “Boise” and “Fiji” in the same sentence!
On May 20th I will be at The Cabin in Boise for a talk about all the big stuff: loss, healing, recovery, and how to get out of our own way in order to be truly present in our lives and to help unlock our creativity, followed by a Q&A. Information here, and tickets here.
And in early July I’ll be in Fiji with the incomparable Paradise + Vibe, a Black-woman owned luxury travel business that is doing amazing work creating travel and yoga adventures that are truly inclusive. I was asked to teach at one of their retreats last year in Tulum, Mexico, and I had the time of my life. So I volunteered to teach again this year at their retreat in Fiji, just so I could spend some more time with the Paradise + Vibe family! Details at their website here: www.paradiseandvibe.com
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Letters From Love with Elizabeth Gilbert to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.