LETTERS FROM LOVE — With Special Guest Sharon Salzberg!

Happy anniversary to us!

Dear Family,

Exactly one year ago this week, this project — this vehicle for self-compassion and community and healing — took the wild leap from an idea in my heart and mind to reality. We have been doing this vital work, my dearest Lovelets, for 12 months now, and we have gotten A LOT done! I am so extraordinarily proud of all of us, whether writing regular letters or watching from the sidelines, for trying — for trying to tap into a source of love and comfort that is mightier than our self-doubt.

Thank you to our DREAM TEAM of special guests too, from the globally famous to people in ordinary walks of life, all of whom have shared of themselves so beautifully and vulnerably. I will let you all in on a little secret: when Margaret and I approach potential guests, many of whom are strangers to us, to ask if they will do this deeply personal thing so publicly, about 95 percent of them say yes.

I find that awe-inspiring.

A huge majority of our guests have admitted to being scared and nervous, and they do it anyway. I will forever be grateful!

It is my sincerest hope that this project will go on forever, for a million reasons but here are just two: because it is a beautiful thing to see members of this community serve as buoys to one another in the comments, and because as I say in my video, this self-love quest: it’s an ongoing project. This work of learning and unlearning is never done. We’ll never achieve perfection (nor should we aspire to!) and sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back. Such is Earth School.

In fact, in a bit of perfect timing, I struggled to accept that instead of a big splashy anniversary celebration, I’ve been stuck in bed with bronchitis. But I’m making progress, if this text to a friend today is any indication —

Another bit of perfect timing is that our guest this week is the one and only Sharon Salzberg, who is a master of the lovingkindness meditation practice, and who is loving enough and kind enough to share a gorgeous and illuminating letter with us.

I couldn’t be more grateful for all of this. Happiest anniversary to us, Lovelets! Let’s keep going!

Dear Love, what would you have me know today about lovingkindness?

Sweetheart, let us start by saying one word, three times:

Gentle.

Gentle.

Gentle.

Can you start this exploration into lovingkindness with a spirit of deep gentleness toward yourself? Exquisite tenderness, as it is sometimes called. Mercy, softness, acceptance.

My child, we want you to know that we understand that you are doing your best. That this moment in time — when you are sick and overwhelmed, and embarrassed at the fact that once again you have been sick and overwhelmed — is actually you doing your very very best.

We see you tear up when we say that, because that’s the thing you always forget, isn’t it? You forget that you’re doing your very best.

We never forget it.

We know how much you want to become someone who practices perfect lovingkindness toward everyone in the entire world, even yourself. We know this, honeyhead, because we know that you want to practice everything perfectly. Perhaps this most of all.

So we see you diligently reading the books by the great masters. We see you sitting in meditation retreats, trying so hard to open your heart. We see you examining your most stressful and angry thoughts, trying to find a more peaceful way to resolve the uproars that can hurt your mind and cause you to be less than gentle with others. We saw you, just this week we saw you, closing your eyes and literally praying for patience, praying for God to please take away your frustrations and irritations with other people, praying for God to give you an entirely new mind — a clear and soft mind, incapable of resentment.

And we see you, when you simply cannot figure out how to get along with someone, beating yourself up that you aren’t able to make every moment of every relationship in your life smooth and easeful.

Princess Poopy Pants (as Margaret used to call you), will you just stop for a moment? Will you just rest with us? Will you drop your arms to your side, and unclench your ambitious jaw? Will you stop struggling?

Will you listen?

We want you to understand that lovingkindness is an aspiration, not a destination that you’re supposed to already have arrived at. Lovingkindness is a lifelong aspiration, and a beautiful one and a noble one, but there will be days when it will feel quite far out of reach. You won’t always be able to reach it. That’s right, love: there will be imperfect days. Can you handle the truth that not every moment, not every interaction, not every thought can be perfected? That maybe it was never meant to be perfected? That perfection was never our intention?

We want you to continue aspiring toward a life of lovingkindness, but please don’t let it become yet another measuring stick that you use to determine how good and successful you are, or another baseball bat that you hit yourself over the head with, when you feel you have fallen short.

What makes you think you’re not supposed to fall short? What makes you think you’re supposed to reach a state of lovingkindness and somehow stay in that state forever?

What state or condition of the mind ever lasts forever?

What makes you think that this journey of humanness is not about seeking and falling, trying and failing?

What makes you think that seeking, forever seeking that which is often out of reach, is not the most beautiful use of a human life?

What makes you think that we don’t see your failures as beautiful, because of how hard we know you are trying?

Do you think we don’t understand?

Do you think we don’t see the beauty of your heart, your deep and endless struggle to be good?

Do you think we care? Do you think we care if you are an enlightened master or a saint or not?

We don’t.

We just love you, little one. That’s what it comes down to. We love you when you are noble and wise, and we love you when you are petty and irritable. We love you when you meditate upon the highest ideals, and we love you when you convince yourself that just a few minutes of gossip never really hurt anyone — and then we love you when you feel ashamed of yourself for gossiping. And we love you when you return to a lovingkindness meditation on the person you just gossiped about, and we love you when it doesn’t work, and we love you when it does.

We love you when you love yourself, and we love you when you don’t.

This journey of being human is arduous work, my love. It was never not supposed to be. Even a very good life (and you have lived a very good life) is incredibly hard. Trying to survive the world while also practicing lovingkindness toward it is not a simple aspiration, but we love you for trying.

Keep trying, but if you can, try more gently. Unclench your fists when you are praying for the well-being of your perceived enemies. Don’t take it quite so seriously or you’ll hurt yourself. Take a break sometimes to play, and also to practice doing nothing at all. Life is not only about ascension into ever higher dimensions of consciousness, it is also about play, and sometimes doing nothing.

The most important thing we want you to know is this: while you are struggling and learning and trying to evolve, and trying to be such a good person, and meditating, and putting photos of your enemies upon your altar in order to wish them well, and wishing that you could just be a fucking ascended master already, somebody or something has to love you just as you are in this moment.

And that somebody or something is US.

That’s what we are here for.

We love you just the way you are. Right now. And always. But only always.

And I believe if you look closely at that statement you will understand: THAT is the essence of lovingkindness.

Now go be soft with yourself for a minute, okay? Maybe even two minutes.

We love you infinitely.

Prompt

Inspired by the journal prompt that Sharon Salzberg shares at the end of her letter, my suggestion is for us to ask one of these questions — Dear Love, what would you have me know today about lovingkindness? Or Dear Love, what would you have me know about the power of good-heartedness?

A quick reminder about two upcoming events!

This Friday, I’ll be at the beautiful Kripalu Center in the Berkshires to teach a weekend workshop about adopting a friendlier mind — the best jumping-off point, I believe, for a life of creativity, reinvention, mercy, and peace. There are a few in-person tickets left, as well as a Friday-night livestream option. All info HERE!

On October 19th and 20th, I’ll be joined in Toronto by my beloved friend, the great Martha Beck (!) for another weekend workshop, also designed to help you move past self-doubt to access your creative potential (in other words, we’ll share what we’ve learned about getting out of your own way). All info HERE!